saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
