im drinking this country out of the recession.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
