I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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