spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
