his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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