I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
