All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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