I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
