You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
