i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
