"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
