When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
