ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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