She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
