if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
