I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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