She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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