Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why can't burritos get me drunk
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
