My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
