So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize