My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
