I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
