Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
