I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
