I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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