I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
