I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
