Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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