Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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