How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
