Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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