I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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