Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
