The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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