It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think my moral compass just broke
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