I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
