I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
