Grow some girl-balls and come out already
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
