I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
