That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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