I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
