Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
