Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Houston, we have a blender
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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