One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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