She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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