Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
