New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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