We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
