you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Watching her eat just hurts me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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