You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
