i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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