zippers are such a cool invention
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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