they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
