I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
