my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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