i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
