yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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