were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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