Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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