turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
