Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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