finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
